This blog post is completely for my children. One day, boys, you will read this and my hope is that you will in some way remember the woman I called Mamaw.
Today we laid her to rest and my heart hurts. My heart hurts because I will miss her terribly. But inside I am rejoicing because I know she is visiting with my mom (your grandmother) right now. I know that even though my mother knows it – she has already shared with her how much I miss her and told her all about you. For that, I am happy.
When I think of how to describe your great-grandmother, I think of the woman that went on her first date with your great-grandfather with curlers in her hair. Not only did she have curlers – but she threw a scarf over her curlers and went out anyway. Funny, she went out with curlers in her hair, but I never, ever saw her without beautifully manicured nails that she always did herself. Mamaw was the first person to teach me that no matter what life gives you, you smile your way through it.
Even when her illness was trying to take over, she was quick witted and many people that didn’t know her had to stop for a minute to see if she was kidding. At one point, she had a very rough night and many of the grandkids came to see her. She saw everyone coming in to say ‘hello’ and she said, ‘What is this, the death march?’
Another time, the nurse from Hospice came to check on her and I happened to be in the room. The nurse was very polite and asked how she was eating. Mamaw said, ‘Well, they aren’t feeding me.’ HA! The nurse looked concerned for a minute and I said, ‘Mamaw! You are going to get some people in trouble… they just put a star in your folder – to check for malnutrition.’ She said, ‘Yes, I guess I need to watch who I pop off to.’
When I started living with Gran, Mamaw lived just 3 houses down. So, we were lucky in some ways. Mamaw always had a stocked pantry --- not with fruits and vegetables. As soon as your Uncle Travis and I would get home from school, we would drop our bags off at the house and head to Mamaw’s. Many dinners were with Mamaw and if Gran needed help, Mamaw always stepped in.
All through college and up until the boys were born, we had ‘Mamaw Days’. I came over and we would eat lunch together, then she would teach me things. I learned how to quilt (up to a point…) and cook. My favorite were the cooking lessons. Mamaw loved to cook and gave me a love of cooking. I hope one day when you give me grandchildren, I can be the kind of Mamaw my Mamaw was to me.
When I had you so early and in the beginning it was very touch and go – Mamaw told your dad and me that you were going to do all right. She had a dream about your high school graduation. She kept telling us – I saw them graduate high school, they were 18 – they are going to do alright! I saw them!!
When you were still very little, I only got you out to go to all your follow up doctor appointments… but I had one special place that I was so ready to take you to – Mamaw’s. Mamaw’s house was the very first place I ever took you that was not a doctor’s visit. When I look back at these pictures, I remember how happy she was to see me and how proud I was to introduce you to her. She told me that day that my mother also took your Aunt Amy to her grandmother’s for her first outing. (The picture on the left is with Hagen.)
When I look back at these pictures, I can’t believe how skinny your little legs are. I also see Mamaw’s face and it looks thinner – she was in the middle of her first (and only) round of chemo and radiation.
Watching Mamaw fight cancer was like learning about the Mamaw I knew was there, but wasn’t fully aware of it. She was amazing… never did she want to show any pain. At first we thought maybe she was in denial and we needed to help her see how bad her condition really was. Then we learned, she wasn’t in denial – she didn’t care! She was going to live her life the way she wanted and no stupid cancer was going to cause her to not do something she wanted to do. Last Tuesday I came to stay with Mamaw to be with her while Gran was out. She was up and dressed that day, ready to enjoy her day with me. Never once did she complain, she just wanted to be in the moment and enjoy it. What an amazing lesson to us all.
Teaching the boys how to eat an Oreo cookie – I remember her saying, ‘You have to open it and lick the cream first, then eat the cookie part.’
Mamaw and Hagen enjoying each other’s drinks.
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With the passing of my mom and dad (your grandmother and grandfather) they were both sudden, so I never experienced knowing about a death that would be within a few months. I actually thank God for the opportunity to know this. Not because it allowed me time to go over and ‘make peace’ or all of a sudden start visiting. It was my opportunity to come to terms with not seeing her when I wanted to, it was my opportunity to talk to her about my mom and tell her exactly how much I love her and of course, for her to return the comments. It was so nice – an experience I will remember always.
With Mason and Gran at Thanksgiving.
Thank you Mamaw. Thank you for always loving me. Thank you for teaching me that attitude and how you carry yourself gets you so much farther than swimming in the mud. Thank you for teaching me that they weren’t just cooking lessons – it didn’t matter what we were cooking or what it tasted like – it was the company while cooking it. Thank you for teaching me that memories may be painful, but in return they give you comfort. I will always love you and remember you for your feistiness, humor, and stubbornness.
my milestone
Easter (Hagen and Mamaw)
Our First Outing
